From Fawning to Flourishing. Empower you. Empower the next generation.
First up, thanks for your patience, it’s been a couple of months since my last newsletter – and during that time, I’ve been immersed in meaningful pre-launch activities in New York for my latest book: 5 Golden Keys to Raising Empowered Humans – Unlocking Kids’ Self-Leadership and Lifelong Flourishing
I also had the honour of speaking at the American Australian Association, where I shared the deeper purpose that ignited this work — a purpose that first stirred in my own childhood.
You are welcome to WATCH the speech HERE:
Back to today’s Wednesday Wisdom article …
Some years ago, I experienced quite a profound realisation… I had been a fawner – a people-pleaser – for most of my life.
I didn’t know the deeper meaning of it. I thought I was just being kind, helpful, ‘easygoing.’
But the truth? I was often shape-shifting to be acceptable. To stay safe. To belong. I also saw it in the children and families I worked with too.
And decades later, I’ve worked through this deeply. Through learning to express my needs, through setting boundaries, and through energetically claiming space as mine.
So how do we transition from fawning to flourishing?
Let’s talk about one of the most underestimated tools we have: Rhythm.
Why Rhythm Matters (More Than We Think)
What if your overwhelm — or your child’s people-pleasing — wasn’t a flaw… But a signal that your rhythm had been hijacked?
Not the rhythm of routines or checklists. But the internal rhythm that guides connection, regulation, and authentic self-leadership.
It’s the breath that slows before a new choice. The pause before responding. The felt “I’ve got you” between a child and an attuned adult.
When we lose rhythm, we disconnect from ourselves. And when we disconnect, our children do too.
What Is Fawning?
Alongside fight, flight, or freeze, there’s a fourth stress response: fawn. It’s when someone becomes overly compliant or people-pleasing to avoid conflict, disapproval, or disconnection.
It often looks like:
Always trying to “be good” or make others happy
Struggling to say no or ask for what they need
Reading the emotional temperature before speaking
Fawning often gets misread as maturity — especially in high-performing adults and “well-behaved” children. But beneath it, there’s often fear — and a nervous system still learning what safe expression feels like.
The Science Behind Fawning
Though often misunderstood or overlooked, fawning is now widely recognised by trauma experts as a common survival response, particularly among high-functioning adults.
First introduced by Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, fawning describes the compulsion to appease, over-accommodate, or self-abandon to maintain safety or connection — especially in early relational environments that were emotionally unpredictable.
Neuroscientist Stephen Porges, through his Polyvagal Theory, revealed how our nervous systems are wired to seek safety in connection — even if that means suppressing our truth.
Deb Dana, a key voice in translating this theory into daily life, calls this “shaping ourselves to keep the peace,” even at the cost of our own regulation.
And Gabor Maté highlights how many high-achievers carry deeply embedded people-pleasing patterns — rooted in childhood experiences of conditional love or emotional neglect.
Fawning, then, is not weakness. It’s a brilliant, adaptive — but outdated — survival strategy. Healing it means rebuilding internal safety, rhythm, and the felt sense of: “I can be myself here.”
Understanding the roots of fawning empowers us to meet these patterns with compassion, and to begin rewriting them through safe, attuned, and embodied presence.
3 Rhythm-Reset Practices
(For Adults and Kids Alike)
These aren’t hacks. They’re habits of wholeness.
1. Check your breath before you check your calendar
Our breath is the first thing to shift when we’re out of sync.
✨ For adults: Place your hand on your heart before your next meeting. Ask: “Am I grounded or rushing?” That moment of awareness changes everything — especially when a child is watching.
✨ For children: Before heading into school or daycare, pause together for 3 deep belly breaths. A regulated adult sets the rhythm for a regulated child.
2. Swap behaviour charts for rhythm anchors
Behaviour charts track performance. Rhythm anchors build inner safety.
✨ For adults:
A grounding ritual before starting your workday (e.g., three deep breaths, intentional silence, or journaling one word that reflects how you want to feel)
A gentle close to your day — no screen, just candlelight and reflection
Music or nature sounds to shift gears between work and family time
✨ For children:
A calming song before dinner
A shared breath before drop-off
A closing ritual before sleep (a story, a candle, a quiet “thank you”)
3. Respond to fawning with safety, not praise
✨ For adults:
Ask yourself:
Where am I saying yes when I mean no?
Whose approval am I still chasing?
These questions open the door to sovereignty — and self-leadership.
✨For children:
It is important to understand that children who never say no may not feel safe to.
Instead of over-praising compliance, try:
“It’s okay to say what you really feel.”
“You don’t have to agree with everything I say.”
“What would you like — not just what you think I want?”
SO – I’d love for you to consider… RHYTHM AS THE NEW RESILIENCE.
This is the deeper invitation of my work — and of 5 Golden Keys to Raising Empowered Humans.
Not more strategies, but more embodiment. And not just behaviour management, but relational nourishment.
Because rhythm isn’t just about slowing down. It’s about remembering that we’re human first — and that every empowered child begins with an empowered adult.
If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to explore my work further and discover the various ways in which I can serve you, your family, your team and community.
May we flourish together,
Sonia xo
